PART ONE: THE FRONT TEETH DEBACLE
When I was fifteen my front tooth was knocked out in a freak swing accident. (I'm pretty sure public parks have always hated me and yes, I used to be blond).
I had a cap put on my tooth for four years, until I was able to get it replaced with a porcelain one. When I was going to get my new front tooth made, we decided that I would have BOTH my front teeth replaced. This way they would match in color and size. The whole thing, we'll call it The Front Teeth Debacle, spanned 4 months of the 19th year of my life.
First, my temporary teeth popped out when I bit my fingernail.
Then my new porcelain teeth were blue.
They gave me more temporary ones while they fixed the color. The second set of temporary teeth weren't even a set. They were just one big tooth with a little groove cut in the middle.
It was kinda gross. Then my other tooth got infected and they had to do a root canal on BOTH of them. Then that big tooth with the groove popped out too. (this time while I ate a carrot).
After I finally got my beautiful new white porcelain front teeth,
the one on my right side would NOT stay in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure it fell out at least 5 times. I felt like I had been punched in the mouth over the span of four months.
(Some back story: Now, I was living in a really nacky apartment complex just west of my college campus with three of my friends. My boyfriend was living in NY until January (where he's from) and the teeth incident started in October. He had been gone since April, and I had just began to get used to him being gone.)
PART TWO: IMPULSE RAT-BUYING
I love pets. More specifically, I love rats. I imagine I am one of the few who loves them. Even their tails. A lot of people say something along the lines of "Rats are cute, except for their tails....." and then they shudder, as if their tails still have plague bacteria on them or something.
By the way, rats never spread the plague. The fleas living in their fur spread the bacteria. But rats CAN give humans a cute little fungus called
One day in mid-November (I'm pretty sure this was when I had my second set of temporary teeth), I was at the pet store for some reason that I don't remember. It probably wasn't a good reason. This particular pet store is owned by the angriest man I have EVER met. I think he really hates every living thing on earth, and he owns a PET STORE.
At this pet store the rats caught my eye.
I went and asked grouchy pet store guy if he would help me get one of the rats to buy. I picked the one that seemed the most unique and payed for him. I don't remember when or why, but his name became Rasputin.
(Quick side-note: Some people shop impulsively. I impulsively buy animals.)
Rasputin was only alone for about a week before I decided he needed a friend. I went back to the pet store and bought him a BFF, whom I named Sauron. Turns out Rasputin is a food whore, because Sauron died after Rasputin ate ALL OF HIS FOOD EVERYDAY.
It sucked because the two rats were under Erika's supervision while I was away for Thanksgiving. Sorry again, Erika.
After I put Sauron in the freezer so I could bury him later, I went and bought Rasputin another friend. This time it was a girl rat which I named Desdemona. For some reason I must have forgotten about the reproduction process , because if I could go back in time, I would NOT have bought a female rat. Rasputin liked her WAY too much.
PART C: RINGWORM: IT'S NOT ACTUALLY A WORM
It was around the time I got Desdemona that I started noticing Rasputin's weird "rash" that was starting to spread all over his back.
But I didn't really care. I still let him crawl all over me.
When I went home for Christmas, I began noticing similar rashes and red circular patches forming on my skin. It was a tad worrisome. By the time I flew back to college about 10 circular patches had appeared on my neck, chest, and back.
It only got worse. I went to the campus health center, where the somewhat disgusted doctor diagnosed me with ringworm.
He asked if I had been hanging around wild animals.
Right. I probably got it from all of the feral cats and dogs that I use for a bed.
I went straight to the pet store to ask the angry pet man why his rats had ringworm.
THEN WHERE DID I GET IT, HUH.
A couple days later I was sitting, wrapped up in my roommate's blanket, watching TV and eating pasta alone. By then about 10 more nasty red rings had appeared on my body. I was the only one back from Christmas vacation, and it was freezing because the heat in our apartment didn't work. As I ate some pasta, that same loser front tooth came out of its place and onto my tongue.
Seriously? I was eating PASTA. I felt pretty crappy. I had no tooth, I was freezing cold, and I was covered with a highly contagious fungus that made me look like like a leper. I certainly felt like a leper, isolated and unable to interact with anybody but my rats...
Okay. That sounds more like Willard.
I called the dentist and made an appointment to have my tooth reattached. But the appointment wasn't for another three days, and I started my new job the NEXT day. I had no idea what I was going to do, so I spent most of the evening practicing holding my tooth to the little nubbin of my old tooth that had been underneath it with my tongue. It worked pretty well, and would stay lodged in there as long as I didn't talk too much.
PART FOUR: DISASTER
I worked at the candy counter on campus but had just gotten a new job as an Illustrator for Independent Study. I tried my best to cover up all of my ringworm (I was NOT missing the first day of work) and I went to my new office.
My supervisor showed me where I sat and he gave me an assignment to start on. I don't even remember what the assignment was because I was so nervous about somebody seeing what a monster I was underneath my scarf. I tried keeping my mouth shut, only saying hello and my name to my new coworkers. I hoped that they would just think I was shy, and not toothless and diseased.
Then he walked in. This guy who I had had an art class with the previous semester and thought was really cute. He works here?! I felt sick to my stomach as he started to walk toward me, waving. Please don't say hi.
I noticed that he was staring at my neck.
So I just stayed silent as he smiled and sat down a few seats away from me. I sat in silent horror for the rest of my shift and hurried home without saying anything to anybody.
This isn't all.
Let me remind you. In a week's time my boyfriend, who I hadn't seen in 8 months, was coming back to school. We had talked and worked out all the travel plans and what time I needed to be at the airport to pick him up. The night before, I couldn't sleep very well. For some reason sleeping on the couch always helps. So I crashed on our couch and had a night filled with stress dreams about being late to the airport, him not actually showing up, my teeth falling out...
I realized in utter horror what was happening. I had to leave for the airport in half an hour.
In a crazed state I stumbled across the room to find my phone and called the dentist.
Rasputin and Desdemona went on to have 8 rat babies, all born on Valentine's Day. Desdemona ate one of them, and Hannah kept the rest. This was a horrible idea.
Hannah's front teeth were finally fixed, and haven't fallen out since.
The Ringworm spread to Hannah's friend Erika, who miraculously only had 2 or 3 circular rashes. WTF.
Hannah and her boyfriend broke up a few months after, but it was unrelated to her fake teeth or her skin fungus.
Hannah's current boyfriend doesn't need to worry about anything like this ever happening again. Ever.