How To Be A Hipster: Chapter 3


Read Chapter One
Read Chapter Two

Hipsters are particularly victim to persecution. The Writer Dan Fletcher says "Hipsters manage to attract a loathing unique in its intensity." Don't listen to Mr. Fletcher. He shouldn't even be giving you a label anyway!  He probably doesn't even recycle.

Such phrases as "pretentious a-hole" and "stupid hipster" or "moccasin-wearing douche bag" will sometimes be flung at you.

Just ignore it. Seriously. They're mostly just jealous of your sparrow tattoo on your inner wrist, or your awesome Jesus hair that is too awesome to be washed on a regular basis.

Don't let the persecution get you down. A lot of people might be "Hipster" but you have to remind yourself that you actually like all this stuff.

A staple of being a Hipster is consuming overpriced organic food. BUY ORGANIC. This includes such things as free range eggs, free range meat (that is, if you choose to eat the flesh of another creature), alternatives to dairy milk, and locally grown fruits and vegetables.  You will feel so much better about yourself! This guy feels great, see?

He might have an iron-deficiency, but he sure does feel good. But remember, don't stop at food. You need to start to buy everything organic. Soap, fair-trade coffee, make-up, chemical-free hair-dye...

On the same topic as eating healthier, you can also choose to become a vegetarian or vegan. This means that you don't eat meat or dairy anymore. Just think about all the awful ways those chickens and cows are murdered in the factory farms! They rip their heads off and eat their little animal hearts! They mash all the baby chickens into a paste and then they force feed them back into their mothers! Sometimes they even kill cats and dogs to put in your hamburgers. CATS AND DOGS!

Another thing that you should start to do as a Hipster is biking. You should probably just bike everywhere. EVERYWHERE. What's that? No bike? Get one! Buy a fixie, put on your Wayfarers and never leave that bike. Ever.

In fact, you could take your new fixie with you to the health food store! Get some of those neat "green" bags that look like this:

Stick your food and other all-natural items into the bag, and then put it in that nifty basket on the front of your bike and you're set!

I mean, look at that guy! He's the happiest person in the world! He's carrying his purchases in his basket and helping the environment by riding his bicycle. Plus he's building muscle in his legs, since Fixies tend to be absolutely miserable on the smallest of inclines.

To be a true hipster, you need to not only be involved in opinions relating to all-natural eating and living, but also in opinions of politics. (Well, it really depends on where you live, of course. In this case I'll be referring to American politics.) Politics are everything to a Hipster. They need to be everything to you now. Vote liberal (with some socialist leanings perhaps) even if you don't know what that means. Trust me. Just talk about how you're anti-gun, pro-universal health care, and that you wish people would stop fighting and just love each other.

Find areas in conversation to slip in a comment about how screwed up the world is, and how you are planning on donating to charities once your new EP starts to sell.

You're probably wanting to ask "How am I supposed to nonchalantly drop comments about my political opinions if I don't know how to make friends with a real live Hipster!" It's okay! Don't cry. The best places to find these highly selective groups of Hipsters would be at local bookstores and coffee shops, sipping their Chai tea and typing away on their sleek white computers.

"What are they typing?" you may ask. Most likely they are typing in the web address to Pitchfork Magazine to check updates on their favorite bands and pained singer-songwriters...or perhaps they are using the free wifi to tweet about all of the inexcusable examples of fashion and music surrounding them.

Other places that Hipsters flock to are "ironic" locations. Just go somewhere that you used to go as a kid. For example, the Planetarium, Aquarium, Playground, or Zoo.

Take a step within any of these places and you are sure to find gaggles of new Hipster friends taking lomo pictures of stuff with their Diana cameras.

Remember this guy?

He's at the zoo right now.  Taking pictures like this (this is before he spotted the sickly looking black bear behind the chain-link fence):

Now that you know where they all hang out, you need to learn how to approach a Hipster. This is a delicate process, as they will run away if you ambush them. When approaching, you need to be able to make a good first impression. Say "Hey, I couldn't help but notice you [insert activity here]. By the way, [Insert compliment here]!" Perhaps subtly flash the David Sedaris book you are currently reading.

Once you are engaged in conversation, it's always good to agree with them. Here's a good example for you to learn from.

Another important thing to remember is that you should also try to relate to the Hipster. But not too much, or else they will feel like there's someone out there that is too similar to them. (Think about it. How would you feel if someone else dressed like you and liked the same music as you?) Find a few things you both like.

Remember your iPod?

Take it out of your messenger bag and show it to the Hipster. Talk about how you like the newest Band of Horses album, but you still prefer their first one. If you've done your studying, you'll be able to mention things that only a Hipster would understand. Do so. This will entice them to trust you even more.

After making some Hipster friends, invite them over to your tapestry-draped apartment/house. Hipsters love tea. What? You don't like tea? Learn to like it. Beautiful foreign teas are like life-fluid to a Hipster. If you cut a Hipster, they will bleed tea. You don't believe me? Go stab a Hipster and you'll see.


After your friends arrive and you make them comfortable, introduce them to your cat. You don't have a cat? Well, get one. Hipsters love cats, and so should you. They're adorable, and you can give them funny and witty names. All you have to do while naming your new cat is to point randomly at a book in the philosophy section of the bookstore or library and then give your cat the name of the author/philosopher.

Your friends will laugh, and really respect you for being so well-read.

Here ends the 3rd installment of How to be a Hipster. This is only the beginning of your journey into Hipsterdom. Remember: Never give into mainstream things. Never eat processed foods. Never own a Creed album (or else the Hipster police will come and murder you).

I'll see you at the next Best Coast concert.